How do you explain pain?

When you go to the emergency room and you're in pain they ask you to assess your pain of a scale from 1-10, I have the hardest time with that. By far the most painful thing (physically) I've ever had happen to me was when the anesthesologist hit something when giving me the epidural for Justin's birth, that's my 10 and my 1 is like cramps from AF (usual ones, not m/c ones). So I try to base it on that scale when I'm describing my physical pain.

How do you describe emotional pain? From 1-10, 1 for me is frustration at myself for overreacting to things, that's about a 1 for me. A 10 is infertility. Even losing my brother, is like around 8 or 9, I'm sad, don't get me wrong, but I'm coping with it, it's not the shadow of pain that follows me around in my daily life, like infertility is. Miscarriages are in there with the infertility because it's all one bound up package, it goes together. But how do you describe that to someone?

On Friday I was at the park with a friend who had just (a few days earlier) had her 3rd baby. She sat there, holding her newborn, as we all (group of women) discussed my infertility a bit, and then said, "At least you have two beautiful children." I finally couldn't take it anymore, I'm not angry, I just want her to understand, I want to describe to her my pain, I want her to know that infertility to me, feels the same as a nerve that connects to my foot being hit by a needle in my back, that it's THAT painful for me.

I said to her, "Just think of how much you love Annika (yeah Annika) right now, imagine how much you want her to be a part of your family, now imagine that someone all powerful, like God, came and gave her to me and it was permanent, she's now my child. That's how I feel everytime someone else gets pregnant. Now even if it wasn't me getting her, imagine you just could never have her again? You love her, you miss her, you want her to be with you, that's how I feel about my third child too. I love this child, so much I'll already do anything for him or her, I already love my third child so much it HURTS. I am seperated from my baby for an amount of time I do not know, that's how this feels to me."

She quietly said, ok, I understand now. I think everyone understands now that was sitting there. I just wish that every person who says dumb things to me could have overheard the conversation. Infertility is THAT painful, your physical pain scale, think of the thing that would make you answer 10 to that question at the hospital, THAT is what infertility feels like.

What I never knew

I never knew that there was so many ways of making Funeral Potatoes. Our ward Christmas dinner is tonight and I was asked to make some...sure no prob. Then on Sunday the Activities person brought me a recipe. Ok, I can do this. I'm LDS, it comes with the territory right? Ha! Wrong! So I take my little list to the grocery store, and then I look at the recipe for the first time. It says hashbrowns, does it mean grate some potatoes up, buy premade, if so the square ones or the shredded ones? Then I go to look at the corn flakes, should I buy the already crushed or the regular kind and crush them at home? I decide, frozen grated hashbrowns, and to crush my own cornflakes. I get home and do the first part mixing the hashbrowns, cream of chicken soup, butter, sour cream, salt and pepper together. Then I read the next part, after I throw all of that in the oven I'm supposed to layer the cornflakes and cheese....um in actual layers? With cornflakes on top or bottom? Several phone calls to ward members revealed NONE of them are using the recipe I was given, have ever done it that way, are using their great-granny-who-made-these-on-the-trail-west's recipe (well not really but it is a family recipe)....so I'm on my own, I mixed the cornflakes and cheese...I'm a rebel....well the timer just went off....gotta go see what a mess I made of things!

Ah, the sound of...

....screaming children. I don't really know what to do with Jakey lately, his patience with his brother has worn thin. He shoves him to the ground for looking at him wrong, he screams at him constantly. I hate that they feel this way towards eachother but then I remember feeling this way towards my brothers....

When I was about Jakey's age I got this little piano thing for Christmas. It was color coded and had a little song book and you could just follow the colors and be able to make music. On my mom's birthday a few days after Christmas my brother Eric took it from me. I argued with him in the hallway about it, there were alot of people over for a party and so I wasn't getting any help from the adults. Eric and I kept arguing back and forth and finally I shoved him. He hit the corner of the wall in the hallway and split his head open. Boy did I get the adult's attention then! I got sent to my parents room and I remember feeling horrible that it had happened, and my dad's mother coming in and spanking me, and then my mom's mom coming in and spanking me, and then my mom coming in and spanking me, and then finally when he got home from the hospital with Eric, my dad coming in and spanking me. Boy did I get whooped. And Eric got quite a few stitches. Even now almost 20 years later you can still see a little mark in his hair because he keeps his hair very short.

I'm not a huge spanker, I mean I'm not anti-spanking, I don't think I was scarred permanently by a few whoopings here and there, but I don't think it's as effective as other things you could do. So in our house we have a chart that looks like this:

Super!
Great!
Good!
Think About It
BIG TROUBLE!

in little boxes in that order....every day the boys start with their magnetic star (the chart is on the fridge) in the good spot, if they do nice things, or what-have-you, they move their star up (with my permission or at my request) to Great!, if they do not-so-good things, at my request, they move their star down and have a 10 minute time out (5 for Justin). At the end of the day they get 10 extra minutes of story time if their star is above Good! (That is EXTRA mind you, we read for 15 minutes just because, the rest is extra) If they earn enough Super! days they get to buy a toy at the dollar store (it's something like 10 Super days, not all in a row, but there can't be a BIG TROUBLE day in there or it resets the Supers! Anyhow Jakey understands it, and that's the point right? LOL

So today - where are the boys stars you ask? It's 10:08 am and they are both on BIG TROUBLE. Justin for smacking me this morning and then pooping on the floor while I looked for clothes for him. Jakey for back talking and hitting Justin. Sigh, oh well, tonight I can just put them in bed and do 15 minutes of reading and then go on about my business for the rest of the night.

Finally!

Since I began homeschooling Jakey he has consistently missed 2-3 of his spelling words (out of 22) every week. I was beginning to think that I was doing something wrong, I mean what am I doing that I can't teach one child to spell? And then last week Jakey was writing a report and my stepdad was watching him while I was in urgent care and my stepdad had to comment on Jakey's horrible spelling. So we worked HARD the rest of last week and then postponed the spelling test til today so he could study very hard for it, I was determined I would have him spell all the words right. So today we did the test....HE GOT EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. RIGHT!

So we had a great weekend.

We spent all day on Saturday in the Temple. It was great! We did my grandparent's baptisms and then font-side did the confirmations. We ran upstairs and did the initatories and barely made it through to the session my stepdad was going on for himself, to do my grandparent's endowments. I'm so excited to have their work done for them, to this point. It felt so much more personal to do work for your own ancestor, especially one you knew before they passed away.

After all that we went to the Seagull Book and Tape across the street and I got a gorgeous picture for our living room...huge, marked down, and for only $42! And some little odds and ends for the boys. Then I had to carry said large picture across Santa Monica Blvd and up the gigantic hill to the parking lot...LOL That was interesting...and my feet hurt the rest of the weekend. I ended up chosing not to do another session cause I couldn't walk from room to room, but I was glad for what I had done.

Sunday was nice, it wasn't my week to do anything in particular in primary so I got to just enjoy sitting around (plus my feet still hurt LOL).

I got tagged by Beth, and I'll do that blog in a bit this afternoon. Just wanted to stop in and update...be back later!

Hard at work!

We got a new living room set since we're using our nicest furniture set in our family room for comfort....and so now we have a "formal" living room! I'm so excited! We have never had really super nice furniture that we don't intend anyone but company to sit on! So I'm really excited by this new set! And our house seems to be coming more together....like it's decorated a little less in "Early Garage Sale".

Now I just need to take a page out of Kara's book and get my house organized! Definately something to work on over the next few weeks.

Tomorrow we're going to the temple - my stepdad is getting his endowments and Kevin is going to be his escort. My parents are going to get sealed next month.

Anyhow gotta get back to putting the furniture where it goes....

"No Se!!!!!"

So I'm sitting here listening to Il Divo (AWESOME GROUP) "Without You" and Justin's singing at the top of his lungs (the group is Pop meets Opera, you really have to hear it for yourself, it's beautiful) "No se!!!!!!!!!" with a ton of gusto, he's just belting it out...it's hilarious! The rest of his Spanish isn't so great, but he's got "No se!!!" down. LOL

And if you don't know who Il Divo is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUqS1Faz-2E

They're my new husbands.

"WAIT"

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said,

"Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By Faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate

hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes'...a go-ahead sign,

or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And now I wonder, do You hear my cry?

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,

As He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

"I could give what you seek, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know ME.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint,

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love,

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You'd know that I give and I save...for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart,

"The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes resources LAST.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'

I could make every prayer that you've prayed come true

But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is getting to know Me.

Even though my answers might seem to be late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

~Author Unknown

Sigh....

So for once Justin's sleeping in...this NEVER happens. So what happens that wakes me up so nice and early? Jakey. He wakes up at 5:30 and lays on the floor scratching the cover of his movie over and over...I nudge him with my foot and shake my head at him so I don't wake up Justin....then fall back asleep. Wake up to him doing it again. Get him to stop, wake up to him shaking me and asking to watch cartoons, have a drink....then he is making the dog bark. Finally I get up in hopes that Jakey will only bother me and let Justin sleep! Nope. He's just so loud! So, no he's a candidate for a nap today. The rule in our house is, you wake up before 7 and wake anyone else up, you must take a nap. Even if you're 7 years old.

Anyhow the HSG was not bad at all, I was still dialated from the hysteroscopy the dr told me, so the catheder went in nicely and I didn't feel anything when the balloon was inflated....the right side spilled nicely and the left side did with a little more effort, but it was shaped funny....it didn't match, it was a longer tube and went off in a strange direction...the radiologist dr said that he would send a report to my Dr.

Then I had been battling a migraine since the day before but at this point tylenol or ibuprofen was still working a bit on it...then after the HSG I could not get the migraine to subside no matter what I did. I spent 3 hours with a blanket over my head at my mom's house trying to sleep, trying to get the migraine to stop. I tried to eat but that just made me sick. So I had to go to urgent care and they gave me a shot of Imitrex. Wow, that stuff is like a miracle drug!!!!!!! Within 20 minutes my migraine was gone and I was feeling great! The urgent care dr gave me a prescription for Imitrex but said I need to ask my OB/GYN if it's safe to take during pregnancy and TTC (since there are times I could be pregnant and not know it yet).

Anyhow the big plan for Dec is no meds, no OPKs, no temping, NOTHING. We're going to my parents cabin and enjoying Christmas and just relaxing, not gonna worry about getting pregnant and see what happens. And I'm not doing the thyroid uptake test so I'll take my thyroid medicine. I talked to my OB about it and he said he feels comfortable just doing u/s's annually until I'm ready to take the test or there is a change in the u/s that warrants the test, he said he'd run it by my primary care dr just in case he has an opinion on why I should take the test now but he thinks it'll be fine with my primary care dr.

January we'll do Clomid, HCG trigger shot, and timed sex....and if that doesn't work, in February or March we'll do injectibles and IUI.

Anyhow so that's my fun week....yay.

Um, ouch!

So, just so you know, hysteroscopy - HURTS. When I got there they gave me a shot of something for pain, can't remember the name because it immediately made me loopy. Then I had the procedure, I'll spare you the details let's just say they used a camera, with a light on it, to look at my uterus, how they get it there I'm sure you can imagine and how it feels to have that put there, I'm sure you can imagine. When it was over I got another shot of antibiotics and a flu shot....fun.

I've felt terrible all day, I slept off the pain medicine and my mom stayed here all day and took care of the boys, she even substituted for me in Jakey's homeschooling for the day. When I woke up I had a pretty awful headache and it's been there all day....my arms hurt from the shots, I've now got a stuffy nose that I swear was from the flu shot, and well my girlie parts hurt still. So, blah is how I feel.

Tomorrow - HSG - woohoo, sounds like fun, huh?

(Oh in goodnews the hysteroscopy showed no fibroids, no nothing in there, and from the uterus my fallopian tubes were unobstructed, which is good and bad, I mean I want everything to be ok in there, I just want there to be a reason for everything that's clear cut, well defined, that can be fixed, you know?)